0 Folds
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next Psychologist he ran into was going to have his footprints all over their small intestines. "Take this, Sigmund FRAUD," he threatened to a 94-pound 63-year-old female therapist -
2
"No you can't, amphibious asshole," I cut him off. I'll be damned if a mutant like him becomes a respectable athlete. But stomping him wouldn't be easy. I needed a REALLY big boot,
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3
and he couldn't remember, which is a shame because children dying is always funny, and humor could have replaced alcohol in his life. Alas, his memory was humorless. He picked up a
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4
She was so pissed that she spent over a decade interning for a shaman, learning to raise the dead so that one day she could bring back Steve Jobs, just so she could rekill him.
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flesh-eating Cthuloids. They stepped out of the river, looking for a meal. But they only found a snack: a Brazilian elementary school. Well, it's better than nothing, so
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4
to assault earth with their death rays, super nukes, telefrags, bioengineered flesh-eating bacteria, kamikaze spaceships, omnivorous goo,
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How did that get there? I swear it's not mine!" Too late, Greg. Your shitty taste has been exposed. Rearrange your books yourself, lameass. You're no friend of mine. Eat shit and
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5
I figured this was probably a counterfeiting ring, so I kicked down the door swinging uppercuts all over the place. Cheney had a quintuple bypass. Rumsfeld tried to
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3
or hearts or brains. Maybe they were zombies and maybe they weren't, so to be safe she pulled out her shotgun and took aim at every last one. BOOM! Three of the younger ones
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5
until we ran out of heroin. Did you bring any, mang?" Dumbass. You NEVER reveal your desperation, lest I triple the price. "Yes... at triple the price." I said, which
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because they shove flutes and piccolos up peoples' asses and call it music. Sometimes they use recorders, or if they're in a really bad mood,
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lhalla would be disappointed if he didn't take the sham a step further. A real Viking has more enemies than friends, after all. So, he paid the "grievers" to piss on the grave and
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But that was too much work. Instead, I cut all the brain molecules out of all my opponents. They died. My bonsai won by default! First prize was
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6
to Utah. "I'm from planet Kaiziotsknuff, and even I think Utah sucks nesirrom dick!" laughed a twenty-five-tentacled Heaven's Gate cultist. But the Mormons wouldn't
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and lasered everyone in the supermarket into melting heaps of goo. A lion jumped through a window and karate kicked the laser out of Mel's hand. Just when things seemed hopeless,
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nine lives. If he didn't have kittens soon, the Simon lineage would die out. Francesca's rejection was the last straw. He figured if she saw him with that Persian skank, she'd
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5
Just then, an assassin pulled out a rifle and shot Prince. The gerbil tried to take the bullet, but couldn't jump in time and Prince died. Gerbil Bodyguard Corp stock plummeted.
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5
S: No matter, we don't get radio here. R: wtf??? whos s??? S: I am Satan. You two died and are in my jurisdiction now. ME: lol i no thts u tom stfu. But as I sent that, I felt warm
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made sure to put your eggs in the same bag as the heaviest thing you bought so they broke. But neither of those things made him laugh as much as whenever he
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0
She couldn't, so I had to kill her. I pointed my trusty magnum at her. She thought we were playing Klingons and Vulcans. "Phaser set to kill? How illogical." were her last words.